JOURNAL

Trying to write about the various things I learn and experience everyday in this sprawling, life-soaked jungle.

Inscribed 17/12/2025, 3:06PM

Entries

PRELUDE
17.12.20254:26PM

Today is the day I inaugarate this new journal! Without dissecting my intentions behind this too much, giving this too much gravity, too much weight, end up inflaming my perfectionist tendencies, I guess I just want to state the thoughts that formed the foundation for this, so that I have something to look back on in a few years to see how this has grown as a project, epsitemologically and spiritually. I've been reading a lot, consuming a lot, and observing A LOT, but these things just rattle around in my head and end up causing me a lot of internal tension, a lot of energy directed inwards instead of outwards. I want the richness of life to be evident to me, I want a constantly growing, maturing body of knowledge that inform my perception of the world and reflect my internal growth, without losing it all to the simple human act of forgetting, and this is a monument to all that. This eloquent snippet from this substack article pretty much sums it up:

Mario Popova, who started writing a blog in 2006...which collects her reading across literature, philosophy, psychology, the sciences. Her blog feels like leisurely research, to me, because it's an accumulation of curious, semi-directed reading, which over time build up into a dense network of references and ideas -- supported by prvious reading, and enriched by her own commentary and links to similar ideas by other thinkers.

 I have no intentions of turning this into The Marginalian, nor do I want this to turn into a vicious inner travelogue the likes of Anais Nin - I would like for it to be an account of my life in this sprawling jungle of a reality, so granular as to be infinite, so richly-textured that every minute thing you observe spirals out into infinity, so interconnected that every step you take echoes out like an explosion, a machine that is equal parts beauty and horror.

Hauntology, Eros
17.12.20254:13PM

Today, I read about Eros and Hauntology. I already wrote up a journal entry for this but it got deleted because Edge decided to stop responding :(


This article by the Phenomenological Society posits that the 21st century has 'killed Love' and turned it into something transactional and self-centred, to cater to our own ego and fragile idea of identity instead of accepting another person for whom they really are. Eros, this concept of primordial love, is said to stem from finding joy in the Otherness of this person, and accepting them for their unpredictability, their uniqueness, rather than expecting them to satisfy our expectations and satiate our need for perpetual comfort. They describe Love itself as a brief caress, a fleeting, exhilarating moment of intimacy shared between two distinct identities, a mindset that aims to experience your partner as they are instead of fitting them into your extremely intricate expectations. In the 21st century, we have cannibalized the Lover into ourselves, made them the center of our universe, instead of allowing them to inhabit their own personal universe, dance according to their unique energies. This makes sense to me on a certain level because our model of other people, our needs and demands are an accumulation of our personal neuroses, deprivations, traumas, personal quirks arising from our unique upbringings, and a constant focus on the Self will lead us to build these extremely intricate fantasies of people where they live within our mind, live circumscribed by our insecurities, our urges, our comfort zone, and when real people with their intricately unique permutations don't match up with this, it leads to tension. This is why relationships began to fall apart after the first few animal stages of romantic pursuit and sexual attraction - once these things fade, and all there is is the person standing before you, their alienness becomes apparent to you, their inherent Otherness, and this makes us uncomfortable, and we attempt to bridge it by trying to violently assimilate them into ourselves, cannibalize them into our inner world until there is no unpredictability, no threat to the ego, and none of their unique beauty remains, all the edges and humps having been ironed out.

 

This Otherness must be celebrated. This constant tension between Otherness and the Self is illustrated using the Greek tragedy of Adonis, where a boar 'lovingly' impales the lovely Adonis upon it's 'amorous teeth', or tusks - but it is this pain, this discomfort in difference, in which Eros is said to thrive. Of course, what about actual incompatibility? Is it not possible for two people to be elementally different? Where do we draw the line between actual incompatibility and plain narcissism? The ambiguity is very real, but I personally think it does not diminish this thesis in any way - there has definitely, on a sociocultural level, been a reorientation of energies towards the Self, towards a neurotic curation of identity, towards a building of identity and personal growth that is performative - fast fashion, virtue signalling, politics disintegrating into reactionary poles  - people genuinely cannot fathom the point of doing something anymore if it isn't immediately communicated to everyone in the most unambiguous way possible. Advertising built on Freudian psychology exploits the irrational desires of the Self, that craving for selfhood, and links it to external, unspeaking, static objects, and puts these advertisements on every possible surface, fills every moment of our time with it, which has lead to a vicious curation of identity, a constant performance of the Self.  It seems Love also has been subject to this cannibalization of the inner Self. But the beauty of being human is that some of our primal natures will ceaselessly resist external influence, and eternally exist in their pristine beauty. Eros will remain untainted and unchanged. 

Hauntology refers to the constant oneness of the past with the present - they are actively intertwined with each other at every moment, and cannot exist in the absence of one another. Instead of seeing past and present as two distinct identities, hauntology describes them as an inseparable chimera that operate in harmony. Of course, it is obvious that the past affects the present. If I set an alarm three hours ago to ring in three hours, and it rings, the past will have affected the present. Why must we use some fancy term to refer to this? I suppose the difference is that:

a) In the case of an alarm clock, we have scheduled it to happen - we have control over it. In the case of hauntology, we do not have control over it. As the article states, it is the act of being visited by a memory, rather than a memory visiting us. Think trauma, triggers - it is not us recollecting a memory, but rather, the memory forcing itself upon us. A ghost of the past coming to drop by, and the ghost becomes so real and vivid that the present pales in comparison to it.

b) The consequences of setting an alarm clock do not constantly persist in our reality, they do not constantly inform our decision-making and our thinking patterns - it happens, and then it recedes. 

 

The example used to illustrate this is the recurring ghost in Hamlet which ACTIVELY influences Hamlet's decisions and is a prominent agent of action. Hauntology was immediately understandable to me once I started thinking of the nature of trauma - once you have been traumatized, you will either subconsciously or consciously behave in such a way as to not inflame that trauma, it is a memory that dictates your behaviour, your decisions, and therefore, the structure and narrative of your life - it is a persistent, proactive agent (Derrida describes it as an always-already absent present), a past episode that coexists with your present, and is as vital as the factors in the present in dictating the future. It is a loop, a distant memory in which you are trapped, that fits your perception so that you see certain things in terms of it, and if the trauma is violent enough, see EVERYTHING in terms of it. Social trauma permanently alters th act of socializing for people, changing the very way they see social reality and read the social script, seeing the world in terms and in the language of the trauma which they were subjected to. Hence, trauma transforms life into a fractal echoing outwards, a loop that repeats over and over again. I hope in no way is this seen as a romanticization of it - it is a violent haunting. 

Of course, there are happy hauntings too. Sweet memories that sweep through you after smelling something or hearing a song. Those too, are a tinged with a certain melancholy, a yearning, a longing for a time forever gone, inaccessible to us forever. So I suppose, another factor that defines hauntology is:

c) Visited by something that is now permanently inaccessible to us. Something that we can never return to, because of a quantum leap in personality, or an irreversible change in circumstance. It is to be visited by an Absence.

 

 

Name Medium Creator
Desire is Dead Article The Phenomenological Society
On What Lingers: Hauntology and Memory Article The Phenomenological Society
The Internet as a Second Skin
24.12.20251.20AM

 

Recently, I went on a four-day trip to Bangalore. So vast a universe was contained in those four days. I went with my close friends, people who have partially colonised various aspects of my being through their strong, distinct energies, and spending a large part of life with them for the most part of the last six months has been a powerful experience - they're all people who have such a natural tendency towards community, towards socializing, it seems to be as easy as breathing to them, so bereft of any of the horrible neuroses that have come to so naturally rest in the social scripts of our generation, of performances and judgement. They're all people's people, you could say.

I read somewhere about Blue Zones (this is something I've talked to them about a hundred times), which are geographic zones where life spans are longer than usual, and despite the excessive amount of smoking and poor diets in some of these zones, people go on to live long lives because of an existence that is structured around community - work is built around community, leisure is built around community, real community that are rooted in flesh and bone and pain and agony and misery but also laughter and tears. I don't find it hard to believe. It has been an extraordinary existence, a vivid, vibrant episode in my life. We were talking on the balcony yesterday, and someone openly said that most people don't have what we have - they're just lonely, with no support systems, and are confined to a life of domestic procedure - I live in a country where the culture is not conducive to building organic social infrastructures, and really has it's purpose as generating silent, insular, non-problematic families where investments in sons are returned in the form of good grades and timely paychecks and the girls, good grades and good grooms, and these are respectively the identities that young adults are allowed to inhabit, of hard workers and obedient girls, an identity so hollow and soul-draining that the linking of actors to identity has reduced the youth to states of mass hysteria and community is not a continuous, recurring thing but a period competition where one gets to showcase the returns on these investments, and purpose is gained through religion, rearing your family and performing your competence at rearing your family.

I read a book by Christopher Piccolini, a reformed Neonazi on his accounts of deradicalizing with Neonazis and other alt-right radicals, people who are representative of the poor, deteriorating social health in a culture, and when they have their psychologies dissected, spill open to reveal the entire underlying fundamental DNA of this culture and society. Piccolini finds a common syntax of IDENTITY, PURPOSE, AND COMMUNITY that guide human behaviour in a society, and are the basic unit of any social infrastructure, and uses various examples to show that when the drive for these three things are exploited and pointed towards malicious objectives, normal people can become killers.

It is hard to condemn all of the enablers of this insular culture in my country as sometimes, it is not the result of cruelty as much as it is the simple reality that my country is a poor country, and some social structures naturally form around the desire to survive and feed yourself and your children, to take the safest possible route to a safest possible life without earning the ire of anyone around you. These are social contracts that have emerged naturally to ensure continued existence in a poor country where all time is seen as money and most leisures are seen as cultural imports that are practised by the upper classes - this is not some empathetic endorsement of casteists however, who are essentially terrorists with a horribly misplaced sense of ICP, behaviour that requires you to shed any sense of basic human decency. In fact, I will talk out of my ass and say that if you go to any toxic, repressive environment, one can find a maligned sense of ICP that is contingent entirely on external factors like performativity rather than internal wealth.

Take the internet for example. The internet has become a closed loop - in urban areas, it has become an approximation of the body itself, like a second skin wrapping around you:

1) through quick commerce apps, food, water, other non-essentials are delivered so instantly that to the mind, it genuinely does feel like you just pressed a button and a coke can appeared in your hand, vanishing the relationship of physical movement to the satiation of physical needs, living in an instantly accessible infinity that transcends geography, time, space, approximating the limbs that would take you to such a store 

2) through pornography, the brain is so viciously rewired that one eventually feels stranger a participant and not a stranger, mutating the human sexual drive - sexual pleasure becomes instantly accessible. 

3) pleasure, something that arrives at the terminal end of tasks that demand mental or physical labour, has been diluted down to it's atomic form in the shape of short-form content, served up in shotglass after shotglass. the two fleeting shortcuts to joy - the very titillating nature of a joke is exploited (set-up, a period of tension where one waits for the jolt to come, and then the jolt comes) to shock the user into life over and over again, OR, the mindless euphoria of anger is utilized by serving up clips that display the sins of the Other. the algorithm being the algorithm, optimizes for these shortest paths to user addiction, and the consequence is a generation that is eternally embroiled in a culture war while those who run these media channels get richer and richer. anyway, this negates that human desire to utilize the brain and body for achieving contentment, forming a second skin that instead puts one instantly into contact with bottled joy the moment their mind reaches for it.

4) work, the source of money that helps keeps the lights on and the bills paid, has been migrated entirely online for certain classes of people

5) the aching desire for selfhood and identity, something that was naturally emergent through action and life experiences, is now simply a collection of the right purchases, a curation of the right aesthetic, the right caption with the right post, hijacking the right social movement. the algorithm has again optimized to serve up political identities that are INTERTWINED in a hate relationship with another political identity - neither cannot exist without the other, because their very purpose is the constant degradation of the other, hence creating an infinite loop that generates a never-ending stream of hateful content. these identities, not just necessarily political, but also cosmetic - goth girl, emo boy - have to be as hollow and surface-level as possible, in order to allow immediate attachment, frictionless internalization and integration, and also instant classification of people into the Others, and into the Self. A vanishing of nuance. These hollow, two-dimensional identities are hence not formed or solidified through meaningful life choices or experiences or adversity, but through the transmission of certain atomic signals that scream you are not the Other, and through battle with the Other. The reduction of the internal consciousness to a mindless vector. 

6) community is simply an agglomeration of this. an endless algorithmically curated chain of fissile reactions. in countries like mine, where Community is frowned upon as it is a threat to integrity of the family unit, and Community-based activities are expensive, tech channels community through it's gray interfaces, forcing the lonely online, and forcing the offline to be lonely. 

7) the human desire to make art, to write, to express, is filtered through this second skin into a titillating game of who can frame the most impactful sentences within a prescribed character limit - the process of ideating, curating, constructing, then sending it out into the world, and then seeing how the Community reacts to it. Here, again, there is a vanishing of nuance, of granularity. Of course, the best way of winning this game is to make this sentence as outrageous, as eye-catching as possible, a leaning towards polar behaviour over level-headed discussion. people who spend a major amount of their time communicating on these platforms eventually begin to have their thought patterns altered by this, so that they start framing their thoughts in terms of tweets or stories or posts. before, the terrifying beauty of life could find no other dam to burst through but through sprawling, powerful art - now, real life can be instantly alchemized, translated into these sad thought patterns of tweets/stories/posts, a seamless stream of human perception STRAIGHT to the internet, so that it is almost like our generation perceives the world through the third eye of the internet, where reality dissolves into the languages of social media. 

8) perhaps i am being hyperbolic here but we have, very, very recently, reached the surreal point in reality where we can outsource a major part of our thinking to the internet via ai. not even our brain has been spared. 

 

Hence, it forms a closed loop that will deliver a hollow but titillating form of everything the body could ever want and needs to physically move itself for, acting as a second skin that allows a human to access a certain plane of infinity, collapsing biology and geography. 

The second skin is characterized by an objective of collapsing the path to any reward into a single click, into a single impulsive thought. Life is hence, experienced in impulses. 

The solution to this, as I've experienced in the last few months, seems to be Community. There is something about a shared existence with other humans that reminds you intensely of your own humanity - it is like watching other wonderful iterations of your own core essence, watching the beauty the world is capable of conjuring. Inside jokes, shared sorrows, doing the mundane together, harmless jabs and moving observations and personal stories - all these little things in the grammar of friendship and camaraderie, are inexplicably beautiful. It reminds you of what a joy it is to inhabit your own flesh. It will make you feel like we were all born to laugh and cry together in the shade of a tree. It is allowing yourself to unfold till it feels like your energy, your thoughts, your presence, have touched every person in the room even if you haven't said a word. Inexpressibly beautiful. 

But I remember my friend V also saying that we would never have gotten to experience all this if we did not have an empty house in which to do all our fooling around, to relax and feel comfortable and laugh till our guts hurt, knock back three beers, blast songs, a social space that was available to us all times of the day, so we could drop in anytime we want. While looking for a quote for this entry (which I was not able to find - something about capitalism exhausting community until it would monetize community itself and supply it to the lonely), I coincidentally stumbled upon the concept of Third Spaces, social spaces that are being touted as the solution to this generational epidemic of alienation and loneliness. Seeing from how I was compelled to write this entry on community as a antidote to technocapitalist rot without ever having heard of this concept of third spaces, I would be inclined to agree.